I Believed Myself to Be a Lesbian - David Bowie Made Me Uncover the Truth

In 2011, a few years before the acclaimed David Bowie show debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had wed. After a couple of years, I found myself approaching middle age, a recently separated caregiver to four kids, residing in the United States.

Throughout this phase, I had begun to doubt both my sense of self and attraction preferences, seeking out answers.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - prior to digital connectivity. As teenagers, my friends and I lacked access to online forums or YouTube to consult when we had questions about sex; instead, we sought guidance from pop stars, and throughout the eighties, musicians were playing with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer sported boys' clothes, The Culture Club frontman embraced girls' clothes, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured members who were openly gay.

I wanted his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his defined jawline and male chest. I sought to become the artist's German phase

During the nineties, I lived riding a motorbike and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to femininity when I opted for marriage. My spouse relocated us to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw returning to the male identity I had once given up.

Given that no one played with gender quite like David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a summer trip returning to England at the V&A, with the expectation that possibly he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain specifically what I was looking for when I walked into the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, in turn, encounter a clue to my own identity.

Quickly I discovered myself positioned before a compact monitor where the film clip for "that track" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking stylish in a charcoal outfit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists wearing women's clothing crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had encountered in real life, these ladies failed to move around the stage with the poise of born divas; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, apparently oblivious to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of connection for the backing singers, with their pronounced make-up, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They gave the impression of as ill-at-ease as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were hoping for it all to conclude. At the moment when I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Surprise. (Of course, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I knew for certain that I wanted to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I desired his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his flat chest; I wanted to embody the slender-shaped, Bowie's German period. However I was unable to, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as queer was a separate matter, but transitioning was a considerably more daunting outlook.

It took me further time before I was willing. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I stopped wearing makeup and eliminated all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and commenced using masculine outfits.

I altered how I sat, walked differently, and modified my personal references, but I halted before medical intervention - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

When the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a presentation in New York City, following that period, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Standing in front of the identical footage in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem didn't involve my attire, it was my physical form. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been presenting artificially since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a doctor soon after. The process required another few years before my transition was complete, but none of the things I anticipated came true.

I continue to possess many of my feminine mannerisms, so others regularly misinterpret me for a homosexual male, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I sought the ability to play with gender as Bowie had - and now that I'm content with my physical form, I am able to.